Two men are backpacking across Ireland. They come across a small pub and decide to spend the night. They get their stuff moved in and go to have a drink. They call the bartender over, "Two pints, please". The bartender brings them their drinks and says "When you came into town, did ya go ova a bridge?" "Yes, we did" They respond. "Was it a nice bridge?" "It was a pretty good bridge." "I built that bridge with me own two hands, cut the stone from me own quarry, laid 'em all out, brick by brick, piece by piece, but do they call me McCarthy the bridge builder, NOOOO!" and he walks away. The two guys decide they could go for another pint, so they order two more. The bartender brings them their pints and says "When you came in, did ya pass the church? Do ya like the church?" "It's a nice church," the men reply. "I built that church by meself, cut the stone from me own quarry, laid it all out, brick by brick, piece by piece, but do they call me McCarthy the church builder, NOOOO!" and he walks away again. The two men decide they are going to have one more pint before calling it a night. The bartender brings them their pint and says "This pub you're sittin' in, you like it?" "Yeah, it's a nice pub," they respond. "I built this pub with me own two hands, cut the stone from me own quarry, laid it all out, brick by brick, piece by piece, but do they call me McCarthy the pub builder, NOOOOO! BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!"

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A young sailor is walking the docks and spots a sea captain, examining his deck. The sea captain has a peg leg, a hook and an eyepatch. The young sailor, curious, asks the captain "How did you get your peg leg?" The captain replies "Arrr it was a stormy night, and a gust of wind blew me of me boat. In the water a shark bit off me leg." The sailor then asks "How did you get the hook?" To which the captain replies "I was in a fierce sword fight with another bucanneer and the bastard cut off me hand." "Wow you are brave sea aged captain, but how did you get the eyepatch?" "Arrrgh a damned seagull pooped in me eye." "Why didn't you wipe it out?" "Twas me first day with the hook."

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Hot shot lawyer sitting next to a blonde on a plane. He's thinking to himself: "oh yea, let's make some quick cash off this bimbo". This is how it ensues:

Lawyer: "Hi, we've got quite a long time sitting next to each other, so let's play a game, what do you say?"

Blonde: "Ok, sure, what's the game about?"

Lawyer: "I will ask you a question, if you don't know the answer, you need to pay me $20. Then you ask me a question, if I don't know the answer I'll give you $200. Deal?"

Blonde: "Ok, sounds great! What's your question?"

Lawyer: "What's the square root of 625?"

Blonde hands him $20.

Lawyer: "What a shame the answer was 25, what's your question?"

Blonde: "What's triangular, but actually square with a hole in the middle, has three legs and runs up and down the hill?"

Lawyer at this stage starts to sweat a bit, tie feeling a bit tight, takes his smart phone and starts Googling the crap out of this, can't find a thing... Talks to a few of his golf buddies, couple of CEOs, rings a few Zoos, finally he gives up and hands over $200.

The blonde takes the money.

After a while the lawyer starts losing his patience and sais: "ok, you got me what's the fucking answer???"

Blonde hands him $20.

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A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Harry is taking a stroll through the woods when he finds a large hole in the ground. The hole seems ridiculously deep, so Harry takes a small rock and throws it down the hole. Then he listens for the sound of the rock hitting the ground below. He doesn't hear anything, so next he tries a larger rock. Still, no sound. He looks around for something larger, and he finds an old railroad tie. He lifts up the railroad tie and chucks it down the hole. Still no sound.

Then out of NOWHERE, Harry sees a goat charging at him full speed from behind. Harry dives out of the way, then watches as the goat charges strait down the hole.

Harry is sitting there, perplexed, when a farmer approaches Harry and asks

Farmer: "Hey son, you haven't seen a goat around here have you?"

Harry: "Actually, Yes I did! It was the strangest thing, a goat just charged me full speed! I was just able to get out of the way. THEN the goat ran strait down that hole over there" as Harry points to the hole.

Farmer: "That's impossible, I tied that goat to a railroad tie"

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Little Timmy is at home, waiting for his grandparents to come for Thanksgiving.

He's really bored, so he decides to go scare his mother. He sneaks into her bathroom and yells 'BOO'. Lipstick smears across her face as she jumps and she screams 'SHIT'.

Timmy looks at his mom and asks 'Mommy, what's shit?'

'Uhh, shit is makeup!'

'Ok mommy!'

Since scaring his mom was so fun, he decides to scare his dad. He sneaks to the kitchen and yells 'BOO'. Blood spatters as his dad's kitchen knife cuts his finger.

'FUCK!'

'Daddy, what's fuck?'

'Uhh,' His father looked around and saw the half carved turkey 'fuck is.. cutting!'

'Ok daddy'.

Dingdongdingdong. The grandparents are here. Timmy answers the door and says "Hello grandma and grandpa! Mommy's in the bathroom rubbing shit all over her face and daddy's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!'

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One day a man went into the doctors and said "Doc I really have the urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer" The doc replied "Why would you want to do that anyway why are you coming to me?" so he left. The next week he came back and said "I did it i stuck my dick in the pickle slicer and got fired." the doctor asked "so what happend to the pickle slicer" "oh she got fired too."

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Little Timmy woke up one morning desperate to pee. He bounded out of bed and hurtled across the landing to the main bathroom. Eager not to cause an upset, he carefully prised open the bathroom door. In the bathroom, Timmy's sister, Lucy, was shaving her legs. Unfortunately, she caught a spot on her razor, causing a stab of pain. Blood started to trickle all down her shin. "Oh, you cunt." muttered Lucy. Curious little Timmy poked his head through the door. "Lucy, what does 'cunt' mean?" Timmy's aggravated sister shot a glare at her little brother. "It's another word for legs. Now get out and give me some peace!" Lucy reached over for the toilet paper to try to dam the blood, while Timmy wisely made himself scarce.

Timmy was still in an urgent need of bladder relief, so he decided to hop over to his Mum and Dad's bedroom to see if the toilet next door was available. In the master bedroom, Timmy's father was rushing to get ready for work. More specifically, he was rifling through his drawers trying to find a matching pair of socks. Triumphant, he energetically slammed the drawer shut, right on to his left hand. "Oh, bollocks!" he yelled, wincing and grabbing his paw. Inquisitive little Timmy had watched the whole incident through a crack in the door. He peered his head round and chirped "Dad, what does 'bollocks' mean?" Timmy's quick-thinking father darted his gaze over to his youngest and smiled "Hey little man! 'Bollocks' is just another word for fingers! Would you mind going downstairs while Daddy gets ready for his job? There's a good sport!" Timmy slunked out of the doorway.

Knowing he didn't have long to go before wetting himself, he hopped down the stairs to use the downstairs toilet. To his relief he found it was unoccupied and he helped himself to a much-needed pee. Once he finished up he skipped over to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. In the kitchen Mum was frantically trying to get everything ready for the morning. The latest task on her list was trying to feed the family dog, who was skating around the kitchen with a sense of urgency that animals normally reserve for when they are on fire. Mum managed to fork a handful of dog food into the bowl before the dog gave it an energetic kick, spraying flecks of processed chicken and jelly over Mum's pyjamas. "Oh, you fucking dog..." whined Timmy's mother in desperation. Curious Timmy looked at his mother in puzzlement. "Mummy, what does 'fucking' mean?" Timmy's mother looked at Timmy, embarrased and frustrated at being caught hurling an expletive in front of her young son. "Oh, it's just another way of saying 'feeding', sweetie..."

Timmy's mother was thankfully saved by the doorbell. "Hey, why don't you see who's at the door sweetheart? I think it's your grandma!" Excitedly, Timmy sprinted to the front door and strained to open the top latch. Sure enough, it was Timmy's dear old grandmother, with a sweet grin on her face for her beloved little grandson. "Hello Timmy! Are you the only one up? Where is the rest of the family?" Timmy stood proudly at the door and exclaimed "Well, Lucy is in the bathroom shaving her cunt, Daddy's just trapped his bollocks in a drawer, and Mummy's in the kitchen fucking the dog."

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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says: "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says: "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?'... she never even stirs!"

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One day while Johnny's dad was just getting out of the shower Johnny looked down and said, "Dad what's that hanging between your legs?"

"Oh Johnny that's my nerve and your's will be this big one of these days", replies Johnny's dad.

Anyway the next day while in school Johnny really had to pee so he raised his hand and said, "Miss I really need to go to the bathroom."

"No, not yet there's someone gone", says his teacher.

Not able to hold it in Johnny walks to the garbage can and starts to pee.

Surprised to see her student peeing in a garbage can in front of the whole class the teacher says, "My Johnny you have some nerve!"

Johnny says,"That's nothing you should see my fathers."

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A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus.

At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and the hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment.

Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain.

"Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame.

"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!". He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was it?" asks his wife.

"Just some drunk wanting a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining like crazy out."

"Well, you have a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two strangers helped us? I think you should help him."

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes the answer.

"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" the drunk replies.

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The doorbell rings and the farmer, armed with a shotgun answers the door to find a boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer thinks that the boy is very clever so he calls to Flo and sends her off with Joe

The doorbell rings again a little later and it's another boy. He says, "Hello I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to eat spaghetti, do you know if she's ready?" The farmer thinks that Eddy is just as clever as the first boy so he calls for Betty and sends the couple on their way.

The doorbell rings a third time and at the door is another boy. The boy says, "Hello I'm Chuck..." So the farmer shoots him in the face.

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So this woman had a baby boy but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.

The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out." "This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"

Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son. "Son, I am not your father..." "I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"

"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."

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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

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A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back". ... "What fish?"

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Before you read: When I say "profile picture" I mean a picture of someone facing the left or the right rather than directly at the camera.

A Detective needs someone to work under him, so he decided to do tryouts and it came down to 3 people. The Detective interviewed each of the future disciples one by one in his office.

The first person comes in and the Detective gets right to the point:

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 1: "Well this man would be easy to find, considering he is walking around with only one eye."

Detective: "... You are dumb, leave now and tell one of the other two guys outside to come in."

Person 1 leaves and Person 2 enters

Detective:points finger at a profile picture of an escaped criminal "Alright son, name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 2: "From what I can see, this man would be pretty easy to find considering the fact that he is walking around town with only one ear."

Detective: "... What is wrong with today's youth.. leave and tell the last guy that he may come in for his interview"

Person 2 leaves an Person 3 enters

Detective: "Well you are the last guy and hopefully you are a bit smarter than the last two guys, those two... I don't even know.. points finger at the profile picture of an escaped criminal please name me the identifying features of this criminal right here."

Person 3: "This man wears contacts."

Detective:looks through the criminal's files to see that the criminal does in fact wear contact lenses "Wow son, even though that isn't really an identifying feature, how did you know that?!"

Person 3: "Well it is quite simple really, a person with one eye and one ear wouldn't be able to wear standard glasses and would have to resort to using contacts to correct his vision."

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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? " he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it. " "So how does feeling the roof help you? " He asked the drunk. The drunk replied. "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!! "

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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".

"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".

"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.

When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

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A rabbit and a bear are digging for some tasty roots when they come across an old lamp. The bear immediately claims it and yanks it out of the rabbits grasp. Wiping off the dirt from the lamp with them in the process. Immediately a genie bursts from the lamp shouting: "Thank you for freeing me from that prison! I'll grant you 3 wishes each!"

The bear quickly says: "I wish that all female bears are willing to mate with me whenever I want!" "Done!" says the genie. The rabbits thinks for a while and says: "Well, I wish for a nice bright red helmet!" "As you wish!" says the genie and he hands him a beautiful red helmet.

The bear smirks at the rabbits wish and says: "What a ridiculous wish. Why would you want that?" Without awaiting the rabbits answer he turns to the genie and states: "My second wish is that my libido and sexual stamina are increased a thousandfold!" "Done!" says the genie.

"For my second wish", says the rabbit, "I'd like a bright red ultrafast motorcycle which I can drive easily." "As you wish!" says the genie and he hands him a perfectly sized bright red ultrafast motorcycle.

Once again the bear laughs at the rabbits' wish. "Foolish rabbit! You can have anything you ever dreamed of and you wish for THAT??!" Once again the bear turns to the genie. "Genie!", he shouts, "For my final wish I'd like that all the other bears in the world will become female!" Once again the genie says: "Done".

"OK then", says the rabbit as he gets onto his new bright red ultrafast motorcycle and starts speeding off shouting:"for my final wish I wish that that bear turns gay!"

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During a tiring shopping trip with his wife, a guy needs to drop a deuce. He walks into the nearest gent's, and settles down in a stall. From the next stall, he hears a voice.

"Hey, how are you doing?"

Slightly put off, the guy replies "Fine".

"What are you up to today?"

"Just shopping with the wife", he replies.

"What are you doing tonight?" the voice asks.

"Just going to the cinema, nothing special".

"Cool", the voice says, "anyway, I'd better go 'cos some dickhead in the next stall keeps answering me".

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A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next day, the British guy had an impressive shelter built and the French guy showed up with berries and nuts, but there was no sign of the Korean guy. Days passed, and they began to get worried, so they set off in search of him. They walked through the jungle for three days without any sign of the Korean guy. Then on the fourth day, as they were about to give up hope, the Korean guy suddenly popped out from behind a rock and yelled "supplies!"

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Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire when the first one decided to brag about how manly he was.

"You know, just last week, a few coyotes came into my ranch, and I had to beat them off with my bare hands."

Not wanting to be outdone in manliness, the second cowboy said "Yeah, I hate it when stuff like that happens. Just yesterday, two of my bulls went rogue, and I had to wrestle both of them at once."

Meanwhile, the third cowboy just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

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A cowboy is riding across the plain one day, when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply's "Ear sticky."

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A Japanese man, a French man, and an American are traveling the Amazon. When out of nowhere, they're ambushed by a pack of head hunters and each one of them is knocked out. When they all come to, they are tied to wooden poles, a native man, the chief, standing before them. He says, "Now before we kill you, I want to let you all know, not a single part of your body will go to waste. We will ground your bones to make powder. We will use your teeth for necklaces and jewelry. Your skin will be tanned and stretched out across a frame to make canoes, and so on." He adds," I will give you all a knife, and you can kill yourselves how you want", he says untiing them. He hands a knife to the French man, he yells, "VIVA LA FRANCE!", and slits his throat. The Japanese man is next. He takes the knife, yells,"BANZAI!", and commits a hara kiri. Then, the American takes the knife, stabs holes all over his body, and says,"THERE'S YOUR FUCKIN' CANOE!"

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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."

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A man walks into a bar and sets a tiny piano down then pulls out a tiny man who starts playing a beautiful song. The bartender says, "wow, where did you get him!?". The man replies,"there is a genie in the parking lot giving away one free wish to anyone that asks". The bartender shouts, "drinks are on the house" then runs out to the parking lot.

A few minutes later the bartender returns with a bunch of ducks following him. Puzzled he says to the man,"I don't know what's wrong with that genie, I asked him for a million bucks and now all these ducks are following me". The man replies,"you think I asked him for a twelve inch pianist?"

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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me.

What makes you think that? I got proof.

What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it says: Polish Remover.

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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

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An Avid Sportman and hunter, Tim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, not long after the honeymoon, he was getting his equipment ready for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand-loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"You were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

He replied, "I wasn’t."

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A guy was putting carpeting in the house of an old lady, so he spent several hours fitting it, moving the furniture, stretching and stuff. After all the hard work is done he steps back to admire the result, while reaching for his pack of fags to have a well deserved smoke.

Pack is nowhere to be found, but he spots a small bulge in the middle of the room. "I'm not going to redo all this shit" -he thinks, so he takes a mallet and flatens the bulge and calls the lady to show her the work.

"Very nice indeed", she says, "oh here's your cigarettes, you left them in the lobby and by the way, have you seen my hamster?"

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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Two equally well-qualified men applied for the same job. The manager, at a loss of what to do, decided to give them a written test. After time was up, both men handed the test to the manager, who went to his office. He promptly returned, and told the two men that they had both scored a 9/10 on the test, getting the same problem wrong. He then shook the first guy's hand, granting him the job.

The second guy protested, "Why are you giving him the job?! We both got one wrong; give us another test!"

"That's true," the manager replied. "But on the one you both got wrong, the other guy wrote, 'I don't know.' You wrote, 'Me neither.'"

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She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

-------------

An older, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something more special.”

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought out another ring.

“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000″ the jeweler said. The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man, seeing this, said, “We’ll take it.”

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man said, “By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.” he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know,” said the old man, “But let me tell you about my weekend!!”

-------------

The daughter wants to take the car out for the evening. She asks her father for permission and he says "Sure honey, but you'd have to suck my johnson before you can take it." She says "Okay" and starts the process. As she's doing the dirty deed she complains to her dad that his dick tastes like shit, to which her dad replies, "That's right, I forgot your brother has the car tonight."

-------------

A guy goes to his psychiatrist complaining about his sex life. Upon further discussion the psychiatrist suggests that the spark of excitement has gone out of his client's marriage. "Perhaps," he suggests, "the next time you are feeling amorous, you should just take your wife, sexually and with abandon, right there and then, no matter the circumstance." The man agrees that it seems a good idea. Two weeks later, he returns for his normal session with the psychiatrist. "How did things go?" asks the psychiatrist. "Absolutely amazing," says the man. "One night, as we sat down to dinner, I looked at my wife. She looked at me and we immediately made mad, passionate love right there on the table." "So, things are good?" asks the psychiatrist. "Couldn't be better," says the guy, "except we're can’t eat at the Denny's next to our house anymore."

-------------

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

-------------

One day, the hygiene commission arrives to see if the criterias are respected and the restaurant is clean and safe etc.

They observe that everytime someone orders a coffee with sugar, the waiters take one sugar cube with their fingers and put it next to the coffee, on the little plate. The inspector is disgusted by that behaviour and tells to the boss : "you must never touch the sugar with your hands ! What if an employee has been to the toilet and didn't wash their hands ? Use sugar tongs instead."

So the boss gathers his employees and tells them : "Here, take these. We've been told we had to use them, because sometimes you might go to the toilet without washing your hands, or whatever..." and he gives each waiter a pair of sugar tongs.

Moments later, the boss is wandering around when he sees one of the waiters preparing a coffee, and taking the sugar cube with his hands.

"What did I tell you earlier ?! Where are your tongs ?"

The waiter takes them from his pocket ; "here boss !"

"Why are you not using them ?"

"But, boss... I use them, like you told us ! Everytime I go to the toilet !"

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Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate. Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3, plans to use sarcasm himself in future. "I'm, like, using it all the time" he said. "Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said "Hey, great weather."

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A man recently deployed to Iraq is being shown around his new base. At the end of the tour the commanding officer shows the soldier a camel tied to a post. He says,"The men use this camel whenever they begin to feel lonely, feel free to do the same." The soldier responds,"Oh, I'm sure it will never get to that point, sir. I'm married" A couple of weeks pass and the soldier is really missing his wife and stressing about how much longer he has till he'll see his wife again. One night unable to sleep he caves in and has sex with the camel. The next morning he runs into the commanding officer and says,"It happened, sir. I couldn't take the loneliness and had sex with the camel." Commanding officer baffled,"You did WHAT!? The men use that camel to ride into town to buy prostitutes!"

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A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

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3 unborn babies are in their mothers womb talking about what they want to be when they grow up. The first one says "I'll be a plumber so I can fix this leak in here." The second says "I'll be an electrician so I can get some lighting in here." The third one says "I want to be a cop so I can beat the shit out of the bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us."

-------------

The CIA was in need for a recruit, so they held out tryouts. Thousands of applicants showed up, most american. Needing only one person, they held tests, and interviews, and more tests, and more interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three guys.

The first two where american, and the third was a newfie. The Senior director of the CIA had one final test. A test that would surely be able to leave them with one man at the most.

He invited the first american to a room, this room had two doors, one where they entered and another closed one that lead to another room. In the middle, between the doors was a desk, where the Director sat.

"Morning son", Said the director, "What exactly are you prepared to do for your country?"

"Anything you tell me to do", proudly said the american.

"Good.", the director responded. He slid a handgun across the desk, toward the recruit. "Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and kill her."

The young man took the gun and slowly walked in the room. Minutes pass, and he eventually walks out and gives the weapon back.

"I'm sorry, I can't do it. I've just married her and I can't let her go."

"That's fine," the Director answered. "You're excused."

The next american recruit comes in, an older chap. The same scenario plays out, gun is handed to him, he is told his wife is in the next room, and he eventually comes out.

"I can't do it", says the older recruit, "I've been married for two years, she is my wife and the mother of my children."

The director excuses him, and in comes the newfie.

"We have one last test", Said the director.

"Yeah bud, what is it, then?", he said.

He slides the gun across the desk. "Your wife is in the next room. Go kill her."

"The misses?" He asked.

The director nodded. The newfie went in the room, closed the door, and some time passed.

BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG

A few more seconds pass.

CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH CRASH

The newfie stumbles out, exhausted. The Senior director stands up.

"What the hell happened in there?!", he asked in a panic.

"Well, ya see", the newfie explained," the gun was filled with blanks so I had to use the chair!"

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to out back and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

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One day a dad gets a call and is told his son has been using dirty language. When he gets home that night, he sits down with his son.

"Son," he says, "You know this isn't acceptable behavior. Now I want you to tell me all the dirty words you know."

His son says "Well Dad, I know the S word, I know the B word, and I know the M word."

His dad asks "What's the S word?"

His son says "Stupid."

The father is taken aback but pushes on. He asks "OK, what's the B word?"

His son says "Bad."

His father is starting to feel relieved and a faint smile is playing at his lips. With a kind, fatherly smile he asks "And what's the M word?"

His son says "MotherwhoringSpicnigger."

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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

-------------

Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

-------------

This is one of the better jokes I know;

Steve had wanted a motorcycle all of his life-a Harley Davidson to be exact, and he finally found one after years of saving on craigslist for relatively cheap. He bought it and the only catch was that it was missing the headstock emblem, and when it rained, he had to rub vaseline on it to prevent it from rusting.

So Steve was supposed to go to his girlfriend's house for dinner for the first time to meet her parents, and he decided to impress her by riding his new bike. He got to her house, and she greeted him outside, and after checking out his new ride she told him "Before we go inside, I have to tell you, my family and I got in a huge fight over who should have to clean up from dinner, and so whoever talks first at dinner has to do the dishes. It's a really big mess."

When they went inside, it was just as she said. Dishes were piled up on each other, silverware nearly overflowing in the sink... a mess. At dinner, it was silent, just as she said, so Steve decided to have some fun with the situation.

He grabbed his girlfriend, and threw her on the table and began to have sex with her in front of her parents. Her parents were stunned and furious, the girlfriend was embarrassed, but satisfied, and yet, no one said a word. He finished his business with her and sat back down and continued his meal. After a few more moments of silence, he decided to really push his luck, and threw the mother down on the table and began having sex with her now.

His girlfriend began crying, and the father was visibly about ready to kill him, and the mother, while offended, violated, and angry, was somewhat satisfied. Again, no one said a word. So Steve finished with her, and sat back down in his seat and began eating again.

A few moments later, Steve heard a clap of thunder in the distance and the sound of rain slowly starting, and immediately thought of his motorcycle outside.

He shoved back from the table suddenly and grabbed the jar of vaseline and stood up in a rush, at which point the father leapt up in a hurry, slamming his hands down on the table and shouted "ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!"

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I was walking past a tall wooden fence the other day, you know the kind you see outside a building site. As I walked along beside it I heard chanting coming from behind the fence further up... they were chanting numbers, or rather just one number.

"Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, ..." they excitedly chanted. It sounded like a small crowd, young and old; men, women and children. All of them saying the same number over and over.

As I approached I saw a small hole in the fence just big enough to look through. The hole was right where the sound appeared to be originating from.

So, with the crowd continuing to chant "... thirteen, thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" and it seeming to become more intense as I leaned down to place my eye at the hole and work out WTF was happening in there.

Just as I put my eye to the hole a small finger like that of a child poked me in the eye and the crowd stared cheered loudly and started chanting again..

"Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

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A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

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A small business owner in financial trouble was told by his accountant that he needed to cut staff. The accountant said, "Jack and Susan have the highest salaries, so one of them will have to be laid off."

The owner replied, "Susan is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'll have to think this over, and maybe discuss it with both of them."

The next morning, the owner waited for his employees to arrive. Susan was the first to come in, so he said to her, "Susan, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."

Susan replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

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Three guys after a night of heavy drinking decide to go to a whorehouse. When they get there the first guy asks for three girls for them. The lady in charge tells him that there are only two girls available at the moment. Look, the guy says, my pal over there is really wasted. Don't you have like a blow up doll or something? The lady says she'll try her best and sends each one to a different room. After an hour the guys meet again at the front of the whorehouse. Everybody is really excited. The first guy says "I'm sure my girl was spanish"."Why do you say that?",the other two ask. "Well, while I was fucking her she kept shouting OLE-OLE-OLE!". The second guy says "Now that you mention it, mine was german for sure. You see, she kept saying YA,YA,SCHNELL!". Then the really wasted guy says "I know you are probably going to say that I'm wasted but I'm pretty sure mine was a witch". The other two start laughing and ask why he thought that. "You see, I started fucking her, everything was going great and then without notice she goes fffssssst and flies out of the window!".

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3 third graders, a Jew, Italian, and black decide to have a dick measuring contest as recess to see who has the biggest. The Jew whips his out and the Italian kid shouts out "that nothing" and whips his out. The black says "check out this" and he by far has the biggest cock of all. At dinner that night he tells his mom "at recess today we had a contest to see who had the biggest cock and I won, is it because I'm black mom?" the mom replies "No, son, it's because you're 23."

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A woman is playing golf when she gets stung by a bee. She goes into the clubhouse and tells an employee what has happened:

Woman: "Hello, I was stung by a bee."

Man: "Where were you stung?"

Woman: "Between the first hole and the second hole."

Man: "Your stance is too wide."

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One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"

Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?"

The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls.

Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?

------------

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father: "Hey Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?" His Dad thinks for a while and then says "Right-o son......go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy trots off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." "OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!" So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your elder brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds." The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. "Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

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I was playing horribly that day. As I was about to tee off at the fourth hole I heard a voice say, "three wood." I looked around and no one was behind me so I took my stance. Then once again I heard "three wood." I looked down and there was a frog at the corner of the tee box, and he was telling me to use my three wood. I thought it was stupid but I was playing so badly that I thought nothing could hurt me so I took out my three wood. It was a long par four, and I hit the ball straight 250 yards with that three wood. Since the frog seemed to be lucky I picked him up and took him along with me. At the next whole he told me to use my five iron. It was a par three and I got my first hole in one ever. I made a least a birdie on all the rest of the holes, and all I had to do was listen to that frog.

That night I took the frog to the casino in my hotel. We played Roulette. I put my money where the frog said and won on every spin of the wheel. After that I was tired so I went up to bed. I took the frog out of my pocket and put it on the dresser. Suddenly it looked at me and said, "kiss me." Now I wasn't about to kiss a frog, but he said it again. So I kissed the frog and he turned into the most beautiful fourteen year old girl you have ever seen in your entire life. And that, Your Honor, is how that fourteen year old girl ended up in my hotel room.

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Santa's placing presents under a Christmas tree when he hears a soft voice behind him, "Santa…"

He turns around and sees a gorgeous woman peeking out of a bedroom doorway.

"Come to bed, Santa"

"Ho! Ho! Ho, gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"

She opens the door the rest of the way, revealing a sheer nightie.

"Oh Santa, come to bed!"

"Ho! Ho! Ho, gotta go, got lots of things to do, you know"

With the slightest of movements she slips out of her nightie. As it floats gracefully towards the floor, her absolutely perfect body is revealed.

"Santa… Oh Santa… Come to bed Santa."

"Hey! Hey! Hey! Gotta Stay! Can't get up the chimney this way."

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Timmy's letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

• *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus***

• *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

• *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

• *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

• *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny shrimp like you? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

• *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

• *

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa

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An Irishman visits the doctor and says "Top o' the morning Doc, I've got a little problem. It's a pain like, in me arse."

So the doctor says "Well we'd better have a look at it. Take your trousers and pants down."

After the patient assumes the position the doctor gets a rubber glove, some lubricant and starts to examine him. He can quickly feel something not quite right, and after a bit of fiddling he manages to extract a £20 note from the Irishman's bottom.

"Did you know you had a £20 note stuck up there?" He asks the man.

"No doc, I did not, to be sure. I do feel a little bit better, like, but still not quite right. Will you have another look for me?"

So the doctor gets back to work and sure enough he finds another £20 note, and then another. After about half an hour he finally cannot feel any more banknotes. He sits down to count the money as the man puts his clothes back on.

"So, how did you manage to get £1980 in used £20 notes into your bum?"

"I don't rightly know doc, but I knew I wasn't feeling too grand."

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3 gay guys die in a car accident. Stricken with grief, their lovers meet at a local coffee shop to ease away the pain.

"My boyfriend was a great pilot." Said the first man. "Im going to cremate his body and spread his ashes in the sky".

"My boyfriend was a great sailor." Said the second man. "Im also going to cremate his body and spread his ashes in the ocean".

After thinking for a bit the third man says "My boyfriend was a great lover. Im going to cremate his body too and Im going to mix it inside my home made chili".

"Chili?!" ask the other two.

"Yes Chili. So a few hours after I eat it, I can feel him rip my asshole one last time.

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An old American man gets off his plane in France. It was a very long trip, but he's finally glad to officially be on vacation. He gets to the French immigration desk, and he fumbles around for a few minutes to find his ticket.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the desk worker asked sarcastically.

The old man admitted that he had in fact been to France before.

"Then you should know to have your ticket ready when you get to the desk." and then proceeded to say some nasty things about Americans.

The frustration rose in the old man's eyes and he finally said "Well, son, the last time I was in France was on D-Day in '44, and then I couldn't find any fucking Frenchmen to show my ticket to."

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A businessman is at the office. He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

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A man with an orange for a head is drinking at the bar. Another man walks up to him and says "Excuse me mate, I just wondered how come you've got an orange for a head?"

The man with an orange for a head says "We'll, it's quite a story, if you buy me a pint, I'll tell you."

So the man buys 2 pints and they settle down at the bar. "A few years ago I was travelling around North Africa and the Middle East." says the man with an orange for a head, "and I found myself in this little secluded back street bazaar. I was looking at the wares on offer when I saw an old fashioned oil burning lamp. It was a little dirty so I gave it a rub, and to my surprise a genie came out. "You may have 3 wishes, anything that your heart desires." said the genie. Well, I was quite taken aback, let me tell you."

"So what did you do?" asked the man in the bar.

"Well, the first thing I wished for was £20,000,000,000 in my bank account."

"And what happened?"

"I gave the stall holder a few coins, took the lamp and rushed to the nearest bank, found a cash machine, put my card in, and couldn't believe it. My balance didn't even fit on the screen it was so big. Since then I've bought the finest cars, beautiful houses, I've even got a castle. I can afford anything, it's amazing."

"Wow, unbelievable!" Exclaimed the man in the bar "What did you wish for second?"

"Second I wished for a harem of beautiful and willing women."

"And what happened?"

"Amazing, let me tell you. In each of my houses, and in my castle, are the most beautiful women. They are so eager to please me anytime, day or night. They do things I've never even dreamed of. Brilliant."

"Ok, that sounds pretty great" says the man in the bar "what did you wish for third?"

"Third I wished I had an orange for a head."

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute. The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the protitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, so the protitute says "let's look in a dictionary for the definition of prostitute". The two proceed to look up the definition to find that it is 'someone who has sex for money'. The Koala then flips a few pages back to the definition of koala, then walks out of the room. Confused, the protitute looks down at the page. The dictionary says 'Koala: An animal who eats bushes and leaves'

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One day a man decides that he wants to become a monk, so he goes to the local monastery and talks to the head monk the monk agrees to give him a tour of the monastery. During the tour they pass a corridor with a strange sound coming from the far end. The guy asks the monk what the sound is.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that because you're not a monk", the monk replies.

So they continue their tour and after it's finished the guy decides he will become a monk and is initiated into the monastery. After a few weeks he walks past the corridor again and hears the sound. So he goes to the head monk and says

"I'm a monk now, can you tell me what the sound is"

"I won't tell you what it is", says the monk, "but you can go and see"

So the guy sets off down the corridor. After a while he comes to a locked door so he goes to the monk and says

"There's a door, can I have the key?"

So the monk gives him the key and he sets off back down the corridor. He gets to the door and unlocks it and continues down the corridor. However he come to a second door, also locked, so he goes back to the monk and gets the key to the second door. And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door, so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door. So he gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door and he continues down the corridor. However he soon comes to yet another door so he goes back to the monk and gets the key to the third door.

And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door so he gets the key to the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he gets the key to third door and he opens the third door and he continues down the corridor. However, he comes to a pool and he realises he will have to swim underwater to get across. Not knowing how far it is he goes back to the monk who gives him an aqualung.

And he goes back down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool and when he surfaces on the other side he is faced with a fourth door. So he goes back to the monk and gets the key to the fourth door.

And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to third door so he gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool but he's forgotten the key to the fourth door so he gets the key to fourth door and he opens the fourth door and he finds himself in a pitch black room. He can tell this is where the noise is coming from but he can't see what it is so he goes back to the monk and gets a torch.

And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool but he's forgotten the key to the fourth door so he gets the key to the fourth door and he opens the fourth door but he's forgotten the torch so he gets the torch and he goes into the room and flicks on the torch. But he doesn't see anything because the torch has no batteries. So he goes to the monk and he gets some batteries.

And he goes down the corridor but he's forgotten the key to the first door so he gets the key to the first door and he opens the first door but he's forgotten the key to the second door so he gets the key to the second door and he opens the second door but he's forgotten the key to the third door so he gets the key to the third door and he opens the third door but he's forgotten the aqualung so he gets the aqualung and he swims across the pool (having crossed the pool so many times he decides he probably didn't actually need the aqualung in the first place) but he's forgotten the key to the fourth door so he gets the key to the fourth door and he opens the fourth door but he's forgotten the torch so he gets the torch and he goes into the room and he flicks on the torch and he sees ...

I can't tell you that because you're not a monk.

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A man is sitting at a swanky bar on the penthouse of a luxurious skyscraper. When he turns to the guy next to him and says "You know, way up this high, the air pressure is such that you could jump off the balcony and the wind would push you back up!" The other man is incredulous, and asks the man to jump and prove it. To this the man says sure, and without hesitation heads over to the balcony and jumps off. Sure enough, a few feet down, he suddenly changes direction and swoops back up on to the balcony. The man is impressed. "I gotta try this!" he says and leaps off the balcony. He goes straight down, and splats on the pavement below. The bartender turns to the first man and says "Superman, you sure are a mean drunk."

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A guy was walking to school and on his way there he sees these two girls talking to each other. He drops in on their conversation and hears them talking about a purple flower. He thought to himself "Purple flower?" and stops to think about it. He realizes he's late for school and runs as fast as he can. So he gets to class and the teacher asks him, "Why are you late?" The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls talking about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, and now I'm here!" The teacher replies, "What?! Purple flower?! You're going to the Dean's Office!" So the guy goes to the Dean's Office. The dean asks him, "Why are you here?" The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls taling about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, the teacher sent me to the Dean's, and now I'm here!" The dean replies, "What?! Purple flower?! You're going to the Principal's office. So the guy reports to the Principal's office. The principal asks him, Why are you here?" The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls talking about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, the teacher sent me to the Dean's, the dean sent me to the principal, and now I'm here!" The principal replies, "What?! Purple flower?! You're expelled from the school! So the guy leaves the campus and heads on home. When he arrives, his father asks him, "Why are you here?" The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls talking about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, the teacher sent me to the Dean's, the dean sent me to the principal, the principal expelled me, and now I'm here!" The father replies, "What?! Purple flower?! I disown you!" Now get out! So the guy leaves his house. While walking down the street, he notices a hobo. He approaches the hobo and the hobo asks him, "Why are you here?" The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls talking about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, the teacher sent me to the Dean's, the dean sent me to the principal, the principal expelled me, my dad disowned me, and now I'm here!" The hobo replies, "What?! Purple flower?!" The hobo grabs a knife from nearby and stabs himself in the chest. So the guy freaks out and looks for help. He notices two cops in a car at the donut shop and says "Officers, I need help! That hobo committed suicide!" The officers said, "Calm down, slow down, and tell us why you're here." The guy says, "Well...I was walking to school and heard two girls talking about a purple flower, stopped to think about it, and realized I was late to school, the teacher sent me to the Dean's, the dean sent me to the principal, the principal expelled me, my dad disowned me, the hobo killed himself, and now I'm here!" The officer replies, "What?! Purple flower?! You are under arrest! We're taking you jail." So the guy runs away from the police. As he's running a man who overheard the story shouts across the street that he knows what the Purple Flower means As the boy crosses the street, he gets hit by a car. Moral of the story: look both ways before you cross the street.

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Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

 

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no dirt in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter.

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A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.

Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes"

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A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

Bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

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As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block set up for random breath testing but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

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The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel. He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

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A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock and roll.

After a few minutes the bartender says, "Okay, I am impressed. You can drink for free tonight."

As the bartender is pouring the guy a drink, the guy says, "Hey, if I show you something even more amazing, will you let me drink for free for a month?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but this had better be pretty spectacular." So the guy reaches into his bag again and pulls out a microphone and a frog. The frog sits in front of the microphone and begins singing along with the hamster playing the piano.

The bartender says, "Okay, I'm impressed. You can drink here for free for a month."

As all of this has been going on, another customer at the end of the bar has been watching. He walks over and says, "I'm a theater producer, and I'd like to buy that frog and put him in a show. Will you sell it to me for $500?" The guy says no. "$1000?". The guy still refuses. "Okay, will you sell me the frog for $5000?"

So the guy agrees, and gives the producer the frog for $5000. As the producer is leaving, the bartender says to the guy, "I can't believe you sold the frog! Surely it was worth more than $5000!"

The guy says, "Not really. The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

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A cargo plane is flying along, doing its cargo plane thing, when a fighter jet comes up alongside.

The fighter jock decides to poke some fun at the pilot who's forced to fly such an ungainly vessel.

"My plane's so much more advanced than yours. Watch this" says the jock, as he proceeds to do loop-de-loops, barrel rolls, corkscrews, and all manner of fast paced aerial acrobatics.

"Very impressive," responds the cargo pilot. "But that's nothing, watch this." For a half hour the large craft simply plods along straight as an arrow, not even so much as dipping the wings.

After a while, the cargo pilot comes back on the radio and says "So, what'd you think?"

Jock: "What d'you mean? You didn't do anything. You just flew straight for a while."

Cargo: "Oh no, that wasn't all. I got up, stretched my legs, got some coffee, went to the bathroom..."

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A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

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